cig for candles

I turned 28 admitting a 2 year old little girl with cough.
Date of Admission: July 21, 2010.
Time of Admission: 12 o'clock midnight.
And nobody in the hospital had any idea I was changing inside.
I signed the admission orders and walked quietly out of the emergency room and made a beeline for the "Bat Cave" where I sit with the orderlies and the maintenance men, surrounded by their broken down cabinets and tables half-way done. Where I light up a cig while listening to their chatter about broken doorknobs and dripping air conditioners. Their jokes about my insomnia and their laughter at my toxicity was my happy birthday song. And the burning embers between my fingers, my birthday candle...
A new life has breathed this day.
The battle has been fought, and despite all the losses, it's been won.
Whichever way you look. It's been won.
Because the greatest gift you could give and receive is the chance to live and let live.
The loneliness in my heart would be worth every heartbeat.
The sacrifice that's been burnt would be worth every dying ember...
So the person I care about the most becomes the person he needs to be...
So the person I become would be worthy of every note and syllable of happiness that sings my way, no longer tinged by guilt. No longer bound by Pilate's washing hands...

I prayed for a sunny day. I prayed for flowers to bloom despite the rain. I prayed for things that would help me forget. I don't know if God could hear me, but what I really pray for, is peace of mind. For Him to raise His hand and hush the storm inside me with a gentle word.

I wish I was that little girl, who would wake up on her birthday feeling like it's Christmas again. But there's a reason why that little girl had to grow up into me...So that somewhere, in those not so distant shores, two jewel eyes could open up and see a face she might have never seen, had I been someone else...

Happy birthday to me...
Happy birthday to me...
Happy birthday, happy birthday...
happy birthday to me...
Hithit...
buga... :)