I'm sitting at a sidewalk cafe, cram-jamming chapters of Kaplan 10th ed into my still-in-holiday-mode cerebrum, listening to David Bowie's “Heroes” while projecting mental sweet nothings to the handsome doctor sharing my table (a.k.a my boyfriend). George Lucas never said anything about whether or not the Jedi Mind Trick works as a flirtation device (wink-wink!).
2010 is about to end. In 3 days, it will be 2011. I will officially be a psychiatry resident and government employee at the Philippine General Hospital. The place to be, if you want a real hands-on specialty training on any given department, they say. I have yet to purchase a white coat with the PGH logo of the Oblation. I have yet to procure a hard copy of Kaplan's Synopsis of Psychiatry 10th ed, as I only have the electronic copy. Some people would say that the e-copy would suffice, but I am a hold-a-book-turn-the-page-in-your-hand type of reader, so a “real” textbook where I can scandalize and vandalize the margins would be ideal. I have yet to do a number of things and I only have 3 days to do them. In short, I may not be the most prepared person for 2011.
Last year was a very red January for my family. My boyfriend and his best friend spent new year with us.
We had dinner. Watched the fireworks. Shot a pistol for the first time.
Missed. No casualties. Don't worry. Videoke till sawa.
Was asked, “Could you ever forgive an idiot?” To which I answered, “I already have...”
...and the very next day, received the Lightning News that changed the course of the rest of my life.
I realize that the only way for us to discover the measure of our own strengths is when we are faced with adversities we've never imagined ourselves in before. I don't know how I did it. How I'm still doing it. How I'll manage to hold on much longer, knowing that this is something I need to accept and bear for the rest of my life. We never realize how blind we are until something opens our eyes with a force much greater than our will to close them.
And how I was blown away by the truth!
I don't remember ever before being thrown round and round in a hurricane of anger and lies and confusion and betrayal, not to mention a string of letters full of terrible, terrible, reprehensible grammar!!!! I mean, when you're a teacher and the communication skills of our future generation lies IN YOUR HANDS... you should at least know when to say “his” and “he's” or how to use tenses and especially when NOT to use the superlatives when describing yourself. When you've barely finished high school and you talk in broken down English like Manny Pacquiao who would rather express his thoughts by himself rather than lose things in translation via interpreters, I would applaud you with a standing ovation and give you an A for effort. But when you're a college graduate with a professional license, taking on the job of educating the younger generation IN ENGLISH, and what's more, sending hate mail to people who are also professionals, you better type with a Mr. Webster right next to you, dear... Seriously... I will say it once and I vow never to say it again: NEXT TIME BISAYA-A NALANG BALA, MAHAGPOK PA! And spare me the allusions to sand castles and non-existent futures. Had I been in your shoes, and, trust me, I have, I'd have just kept my mouth shut, because truths always speak for themselves and less people would have been hurt, and the pill you'd have to swallow in the end would have been less bitter.
But I'm tired of being angry.
I'm writing this all down because I want to leave it all behind in 2010. What you broke was like china. It's never going to be the same again. But despite that fact, and the fact that we've all been hurt in picking up the pieces, I've slowly moved on.
I was broken. But I'm whole again. Not perfect. But whole again. And most importantly, I'm moving forward. I'm going somewhere. I've unglued myself from the web you have caught us in and I will never go back.
Just no more happy birthdays for me. You made sure of that.
I was talking of hurricanes and how those winds go round and round in their massive upheavals of seemingly invincible structures. Farm houses... Bridges... Beliefs... Trusts... Faith... A rainless, senseless storm. The gods making a hotpot of the puny little universe of our emotions. Shabu-shabu in the hands of a very agitated Chinese chef... But truth be told, there are still some things that even hurricanes cannot destroy. Some foundations that go deeper than anything I could imagine. Unshakable. Immovable.
Like a mother's love.
Or a father's speechless embrace.
The kind that withstands all hurricanes. The kind where everything could go topsy-turvy and you would never for a second doubt that these things will still always be there. Never in my life have I ever been threatened to lose such things. No matter what happens to me or the world I move in, I have never been made to feel that I would lose such love. And such things become fountains, eternal. You discover you have those things grown within you as well. So that no matter how many hurricanes may come, you find it in your heart to reconstruct yourself. To forgive. To love again. To pick yourself up. To accept unconditionally the people to whom we spread that love to. To stand up to things that frighten us. To face our mistakes with humility. To shine again. To heal again...
It's a little Freud, what I'm doing. The magic of free association minus the actual therapist. Ice cream could achieve the same effect at less effort, but also a lot less brain activity. :)
There is a theory trying to explain the phenomenon of schizophrenia called Stress-Diathesis. It says that people have certain predispositions for developing certain illnesses that, when acted upon by stress, brings about the illness (told you I was cram-jamming Kaplan...). But just a thought: Are we ever really prepared for certain life situations that are naturally overwhelming?
Like falling in love? Were we prepared for that first kiss?
Like motherhood? Are we ever really prepared?
Even the anticipation of such life events could be anxiety producing in themselves. Aren't we all entitled to go just a little bit crazy once in a while? :)
And the handsome doctor who shares my table still hasn't looked up from his book...
The Jedi Mind Trick isn't working...
Oh wait... He's looked up. Five seconds of long eye lashes lifting.
Beautiful...
Like Bob Marley on a high.
And coffee never tasted so good.
Wala lang. Echos lang to. hehe!
ka gwapo ni tope! lol!
ReplyDeletecheh! maintra ka man sa bromance? hehehe!
ReplyDelete