Schnitzels, Noodles and Crisp Apple Strudels: Until Joker Day Comes

I don't know why I keep doing the things that I do...
And then find myself hurting after...
It's like self mutilation without any breaks on my skin...

I don't know why I keep going back to what has passed even if I know I cannot change them...
There is a big puzzle piece that is missing...
Or Kept...
From me...
And I find that I cannot know the truth in its wholeness without it.
But the question that I ask myself is this:
Will the truth change anything?

About the way things are?
The way they will be?

Will it change how I feel?
Will it divert me from the road I've chosen to take?

Will it change the fact that I'm still here, doing what I do?
Seeing what I see?
Knowing what I know already?
Loving who I love?

Because if not, then to what end must I search for it?

Shall I be like Rukmani of Markandaya's making?
Drawing Nectar in a Sieve?

Accepting everything without complaint.
From tragic storms that steal their crops
to her husband's secret unfaithfulness
and even Death when it came knocking...
To go through all of that and still believe one has lived a good life...
But she is a woman of great unparalleled humility... even for a fictional character.
I am simply a woman.

Vain and subject to the gravity of the moon.

And she has borne a life too tragic.
The kind that leaves one simply powerless
with no other option to keep one's sanity but
through Hopeful
Helpless
Acceptance...

And I am not that.
I refuse to be helpless.

And Joker Day is near...

How far have we gone if we look back...

To the paths we have worn down...

With fingers intertwined...

And feet all tired from all that journeying?

Sometimes I feel like we've traveled a long, long way but the distance from here to where we first were remains so small.
At other times I feel like it was only a couple of steps but we gaze at our reflections and see people who have come from a different horizon and back.